Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Head to Toe Coverage



Overweight? Tired? Frumpy? Body-image problem? Tired of the way you look in photos? Forget Weight Watchers, visiting the gym or cutting calories.

No, the Taliban have the ultimate solution. Purchase your own head-to-toe ninja ensemble - Style No. "Muslim Fundo" - and you'll never look frumpy again. In fact, you'll look the same in every photo, which is to say you'll look like nothing at all!

The Muslim Fundo outfit is yours for only two payments of $49.99. Please specify if you want cotton or polyester. You'll never leave home without it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'm a Nillionaire. Are You?



I have a couple of Coach bags. I have a couple of Gucci bags. I have some Louis Vuitton bags. I just picked up a delightful Anya Hindmarch tote. I have some Cole Haan bags and shoes. Jimmy Choo clutch and heels. Check. Chanel - not yet. Not yet.

I'm wearing a chunky David Yurman bangle on my right wrist - a birthday gift from my husband. I have a decent amount of 22 carat gold and diamonds. I drive nice cars.

But here's the kicker.

I'm a NILLIONAIRE.

I, who have nothing, look like I have a lot. More than most people.

I am fortunate. I am fat. I am a flimsy excuse for a human being.

Really I should be saving for my son's college fund. I opened a Fidelity fund for him but given the way the market is working he'll be lucky if there's $20G in it by the time he's finished with high school. He is 20-months-old right now.

So, to All the Nillionaire Ladies out there - how are you saving?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Daycare


Last week we were noodling around Laguna Beach (pictured). This week we are freezing in Southern Ontario. Not so bad for me as most of my work is done in a computer. Inside.

Kamran, on the other hand, joined a new daycare this week and has to go out into Siberia twice a day.

Kaleidoscope of Kids
The daycare is a life-sized kaleidoscope - cutout snowflakes hanging from the ceiling with bendy-bobby string, foam toys with tiny smushed fingerprint imprints on them (this is what passes for art at 19 months), dry macaroni and rice in the texture table, a few colourful rugs scattered about, and a dozen rosy-cheeked chunky kids in each room.

Since he's only been going there for three days (and was at a different daycare at Harbourfront until November) he's a bit weepy in the a.m. when I drop him off. I duck into the hallway and after a minute or two I hear him asking for "cee-wee-ul and appo". Translation "cereal" and "apple". He's confident and outgoing and I'm OK to leave once I hear his husky voice giving orders in choppy toddler fashion.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles
I am aware that he belongs to me just as much as he belongs to Canada and the U.S. I carried him for 39 weeks and four days and he's holding my DNA but he's not really mine. I was just the transportation, his plane, his train, his automobile. He will breathe different air, have different conversations, see a different world, love differently than I have loved and, oh God, I can hardly type it, feel the blisters of loss. But not too soon, God, please not too soon.

I can see the changes already in his imagination and joy as he experiments with new things - the snow, icicles, a toy plane, a fat crayon, a textured book, my sandals, and how he plays with his cousins and how his laugh erupts from somewhere deep in his belly and then every molecule of his body is joyful. He is new and I am decaying.

It's -30C outside (serves me right for leaving SoCal in January!) and there are icicles in my brain.

Just five more hours before I go collect him from his colourful playland.

My God, give me mountains to climb and strength to climb them.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Obama, FedEx, Koala Bears



Why do FedEx drivers keep the doors open during delivery? Granted it must make for quick in and out but does it really save them that much time getting packages to clients?

Why do bees come so close to our ears?

How do koala bears sleep in trees and not fall out?

Can Obama save the global economy?